Spoiler-Free Movie Rant - X-Men: Apocalypse

SPOILER-FREE MOVIE RANT
X-Men: Apocalypse

The Good:
+ Psylocke and Quicksilver
+ Magneto (both his powers and his fight with his inner demons)

The Bad:
- Woah where should I begin... The very weak and confused villain
- Incoherent plot
- Lack of action
- Too much of Raven/Jennifer Lawrence
- Overall lack of "woah" factor that so often comes with superhero movies

The Breakdown

"Messier and heavier than Days Of Future Past, this is not so much the next step in the X-Men’s evolution as a failed callback to past glories." -Empire
"The latest entry in one of the more reliable comic-book franchises around, this time disappointingly succumbing to an exhausting case of been-there-done-that-its" -Variety
"A stodgy, uninvolving disappointment" -GQ

Firstly, I'm going to call my movie "reviews" just "rants" from here onwards. You see, I ain't no real deal critic and I usually end up ranting about how bad (or good) the movie is. Like this dude, our beloved CBG :)

Ok, to sum it all up first, this movie is mind-blowing! Mind-blowingly bad!

Usually, for superhero movies with a mediocre plot, something the can redeem it is the awesome action sequences. A good recent example would be Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. Its plot was thin and the Martha jokes keep on getting funnier, but you can't deny that the fighting in it was awesome.

For Apocalypse, the plot is non-existent, and the action almost was too. It is great to see Magneto, Psylocke and Quicksilver engage in battle, but it is just waaaaay to little of it.

Pss. Before you go on thinking that I have no idea about the X-Men movie franchise, let me tell you that I have watched every single one of them X-Men movies.

It is hard to provide any spoilers, because, as mentioned, the plot is pretty much 1-ply-thin.

And on to the villain, Apocalypse. I highly suspect that he's going to go down as the most underwhelming villain in superhero movie history. Firstly, he pretty much looks like Ivan Ooze from Power Rangers. Heck, Ivan Ooze looks scarier! Next, he just doesn't look menacing at all. In fact, he's the same size as everyone else in the movie! Lastly, his supposedly fear-inducing lines make little sense! The worst part - I don't even know what his powers actually are!

His intention is uncertain at best. Does he want to take over the world? "Cleanse" the world? Destroy the world? Rule the world? Kill all non-mutants? I have no idea!

And what's up with the over-focus on Jennifer Lawrence? I get it, she's real popular right now but it really seems like the film's producers are just trying to ride on her fame.

But there are redeeming factors in the movie. Michael Fassbender did a real good job portraying Magneto, even though he didn't get much screen time. Awesome actor, he is. And then there's Quicksilver in THAT scene. He's just so cool! Like the most popular guy in school that happens to be a really nice person too, and is great at all kinds of sports! But again, we see tooooo little of him. Same thing goes with Psylocke. She could've stolen the show with her "built-in" lightsaber but no, we got to see it only a couple of times.

If you think Days of Future Past is bad, you should really give Apocalypse a miss...

Should you watch it?
1 = I can come up with a hundred different activities for you to better spend your time
2 = If you can spare the time
3 = Yes you should
4 = Yes you should, even if it means having to go hungry for a day or cancelling an appointment.
5 = Yes you should because you don't want your friends, family and future grandchildren to know that you were one of the few losers who didn't catch it

I'd give it a very solid 2!

Perhaps fortunately, Fox did not issue the license to produce toys to any toymaker that I can think of. Click here to check out all the awesome toys we have from the awesome-r movies.